Neighbour

This afternoon my neighbour knocked on the door and asked me if  he could buy a few basic groceries off me. I was happy to please him, though it’s starting to be a habit with him.  I had compromised myself in this action as ‘the people pleaser’,  because it will mean I will have to go shopping  again before my usuall shopping day.  He should organise himself to get his own shopping without  getting me to please him. The act of pleasing him did make me feel good though.  It’s just that I will now have to make another trip to town.

My Precious

Last week I became quite possessed with the idea of owning a new smartphone.  The one I got now is ok but tiny and a few years old and one of the cheapest you can buy.  I did all my research (and more)  and decided on one of the flagship phones – because I can afford it,  and I deserved it because I have never owned a ‘decent ‘ phone before.  

     The more I research a phone the more I deserve to have it – such was my feeling when I become possessed in the search for MY  phone.(reviews on utube etc)  I was on the verge of taking the full hour’s drive to purchase it at the closest store but stopped myself somehow.  It cost an absolute fortune and I hardly needed it anyway.  I decided to do more research on it  (yes, I was out of control still).    

     It was a real energy possession I was going through. If not for the ‘tyranny of distance’ between me and the shop I surely would have bought it. Flagship phones are more expensive in my country than many other countries. Definitely a demon possession there  (me and computer)– and I’m not  guaranteed that I may fall for it (or another) in the future.  It is as if ‘life has no meaning’ if I can’t indulge myself in this manner- (at least in THAT moment I felt life has no meaning lol)

     The reality is, my tiny phone i have now will probably serve me best- nice and portable and cheap to run –no internet.

No Mr Nice guy here

I  was confronted by a tenant  today who asked me for tins of gas (for cooking).   The boss told me not to give him any more.  In had been giving them to him  up to now.  So I told him what the boss said.   But he came at me again saying  “but I can’t cook, Garry”.  I became a little angry and said with emphasis  “It’s not MY problem!”.   Then I advised him he should see the boss.

Anyhow, I was glad I did not compromise myself by giving him more gas tins or pleading with the boss to do something about his situation.  

Embracing the Creep

I’m   very   ‘glad/disappointed’  (one word)  that I have recognized, or rather begun to recognize the despicable nature of chronic psychosis.  Glad because it’s a realization, and realizations are the way forward, and going  forward is a reason to celebrate  and be glad.  Disappointed because it is the nature of the  sickness  that is so cringeworthy , so uncool.  So what do I do? Celebrate or cringe? Hmmm.  I got an inkling that I have not cringed  enough.

   I am quietly confident that I got it right when I describe myself as a  ‘creep’ or a ‘weirdo’ (they are synonyms bytheway).   Not really the thing you want to tell people but  who cares.  We are all equall in the matrix. A point of triumph for me to see that,  and not the lofty self definition that a psychotic is known  to view himself as.
   So rhe time I fully embrace 'the creep' will be the time that I will strike chronic psychosis'  out of my vocabulary.,

One day I will do a proper blog

One day I will do a proper blog, like everybody else does, instead of writing out pieces of information like I am doing now.  So is a case of  “won’t” or is it a case of  “can’t”?   I believe the latter, but I’ve been told the former.

  I used to know a guy who couldn’t get out of bed unless he had a cigarette  first.  Yes so  I like to think I’m not like that.

     However I have noticed I am addicted  to comfort. MY easy job doesn’t help.  I am addicted to having a nap in the middle of the day.  Can’t help that feeling of weariness that overcomes me.   

  Anyhow, I will continue to write this sort of shit until I start writing blogs

What a Waste of Time

When I finished work today, and before I started work today, I indulged in this 'think trip'. I tried to figure out this idea for the 'perfect battery charging system' for a smartphone.   I know smartphones are a huge distraction for people, and its better not to have one -if you can.  So why do I have this fascination? - its wasted many hours of my time today and for the last few days.  Its not as if it will have any results in this world outside my mind. I think it's the color in smartphones that fascinates. If I give the thing any more 'thinking time' tomorrow I will, ....I don't know, kick myself or something.

Mad is bad

I woke up this morning with a certain amount of new  clarity toward the relationship that madness has to badness.  Perhaps not a relationship but  a definition,  This is a highly controversial statement to make especially for myself.  Maybe not so controversial for most people - I'm not sure.
     I suspect this is the reason that I can't/won't do my process. My inability to accept this as the definition as myself.  That definition that would see me  into jail. I would hate to go to jail, I would find it unbearable I think.  I have heard that there are many many schizophrenics (like myself) in jail.
     I have been told that I'm 'bent' when I got high on weed in the long past. Because I felt so good I assumed 'bent' was something good. Something that made me exceptionally spiritual - not at all the reality of 'badness' as in the principle of  'things are in reverse'. This reminds me of a dream i had during that time.  In the dream I had a bicycle which had a bent frame - no amount of 'trying' would get me anywhere.