Neighbour

This afternoon my neighbour knocked on the door and asked me if  he could buy a few basic groceries off me. I was happy to please him, though it’s starting to be a habit with him.  I had compromised myself in this action as ‘the people pleaser’,  because it will mean I will have to go shopping  again before my usuall shopping day.  He should organise himself to get his own shopping without  getting me to please him. The act of pleasing him did make me feel good though.  It’s just that I will now have to make another trip to town.

My Precious

Last week I became quite possessed with the idea of owning a new smartphone.  The one I got now is ok but tiny and a few years old and one of the cheapest you can buy.  I did all my research (and more)  and decided on one of the flagship phones – because I can afford it,  and I deserved it because I have never owned a ‘decent ‘ phone before.  

     The more I research a phone the more I deserve to have it – such was my feeling when I become possessed in the search for MY  phone.(reviews on utube etc)  I was on the verge of taking the full hour’s drive to purchase it at the closest store but stopped myself somehow.  It cost an absolute fortune and I hardly needed it anyway.  I decided to do more research on it  (yes, I was out of control still).    

     It was a real energy possession I was going through. If not for the ‘tyranny of distance’ between me and the shop I surely would have bought it. Flagship phones are more expensive in my country than many other countries. Definitely a demon possession there  (me and computer)– and I’m not  guaranteed that I may fall for it (or another) in the future.  It is as if ‘life has no meaning’ if I can’t indulge myself in this manner- (at least in THAT moment I felt life has no meaning lol)

     The reality is, my tiny phone i have now will probably serve me best- nice and portable and cheap to run –no internet.

No Mr Nice guy here

I  was confronted by a tenant  today who asked me for tins of gas (for cooking).   The boss told me not to give him any more.  In had been giving them to him  up to now.  So I told him what the boss said.   But he came at me again saying  “but I can’t cook, Garry”.  I became a little angry and said with emphasis  “It’s not MY problem!”.   Then I advised him he should see the boss.

Anyhow, I was glad I did not compromise myself by giving him more gas tins or pleading with the boss to do something about his situation.  

Embracing the Creep

I’m   very   ‘glad/disappointed’  (one word)  that I have recognized, or rather begun to recognize the despicable nature of chronic psychosis.  Glad because it’s a realization, and realizations are the way forward, and going  forward is a reason to celebrate  and be glad.  Disappointed because it is the nature of the  sickness  that is so cringeworthy , so uncool.  So what do I do? Celebrate or cringe? Hmmm.  I got an inkling that I have not cringed  enough.

   I am quietly confident that I got it right when I describe myself as a  ‘creep’ or a ‘weirdo’ (they are synonyms bytheway).   Not really the thing you want to tell people but  who cares.  We are all equall in the matrix. A point of triumph for me to see that,  and not the lofty self definition that a psychotic is known  to view himself as.
   So rhe time I fully embrace 'the creep' will be the time that I will strike chronic psychosis'  out of my vocabulary.,

One day I will do a proper blog

One day I will do a proper blog, like everybody else does, instead of writing out pieces of information like I am doing now.  So is a case of  “won’t” or is it a case of  “can’t”?   I believe the latter, but I’ve been told the former.

  I used to know a guy who couldn’t get out of bed unless he had a cigarette  first.  Yes so  I like to think I’m not like that.

     However I have noticed I am addicted  to comfort. MY easy job doesn’t help.  I am addicted to having a nap in the middle of the day.  Can’t help that feeling of weariness that overcomes me.   

  Anyhow, I will continue to write this sort of shit until I start writing blogs

What a Waste of Time

When I finished work today, and before I started work today, I indulged in this 'think trip'. I tried to figure out this idea for the 'perfect battery charging system' for a smartphone.   I know smartphones are a huge distraction for people, and its better not to have one -if you can.  So why do I have this fascination? - its wasted many hours of my time today and for the last few days.  Its not as if it will have any results in this world outside my mind. I think it's the color in smartphones that fascinates. If I give the thing any more 'thinking time' tomorrow I will, ....I don't know, kick myself or something.

Mad is bad

I woke up this morning with a certain amount of new  clarity toward the relationship that madness has to badness.  Perhaps not a relationship but  a definition,  This is a highly controversial statement to make especially for myself.  Maybe not so controversial for most people - I'm not sure.
     I suspect this is the reason that I can't/won't do my process. My inability to accept this as the definition as myself.  That definition that would see me  into jail. I would hate to go to jail, I would find it unbearable I think.  I have heard that there are many many schizophrenics (like myself) in jail.
     I have been told that I'm 'bent' when I got high on weed in the long past. Because I felt so good I assumed 'bent' was something good. Something that made me exceptionally spiritual - not at all the reality of 'badness' as in the principle of  'things are in reverse'. This reminds me of a dream i had during that time.  In the dream I had a bicycle which had a bent frame - no amount of 'trying' would get me anywhere.

exasperation

I lost my work keys today- the keys I use in the course of my job.  To be a little more accurate,  I thought I lost them.  I became exasperated and  spent hours searching, rang  ‘the boss’ and he came to the rescue with spare keys –  at quite an inconvenience for him and me.  Later in the day I realized that I left them in my room in a very obvious place.  Why I didn’t  think to look there is beyond me. I would be embarrassed if anybody found out.  It seems that because they were not in my pocket that they  ‘were lost’.  

Utube addiction

Over the past few months,  I seem to have developed an addiction to watching /listening to utubes of an ‘anti-Social Justice Warrior’ flavour. Also to reading the comments.  I’m drawn to American politics even though I’m not American.  I used to be  ‘left wing’ but over the last 6 months I have become  ‘right wing’.  I feel now that it’s a bit like blue pill/red pill as far as the left and right go.  I asked one of my neighbours (whose opinion I value) what was his political leaning was (left or right). He immediately answered  “agnostic”.  He was talking about our own country I presume.

     I seem to enjoy  ‘hating’. But it is evolving into a sadness how the young people have got to learn about life the hard way.

Not confronting somebody

A few weeks ago I lent one of the tenants a portable gas stove because they said that their electric stove-top was not working. Truth was they just didn't want to use the electric stove-top because it takes too long to heat up. So instead of confronting them to return the portable gas stove, I went and bought another one out of my own pocket - to replace the one that I gave them.  I originally was lead to believe that there was something wrong with their electric one. So when the boss told me to get the gas one back off them, I couldn't bring myself to make such a demand of that tenant.

I just can't say 'no' - Mr Nice Guy.

I was walking around the precinct of my work with a packet of paper hand towels in my hand today. One of the tenants (who I didn't know - but may have seen him around) called to me and asked if he could have the hand towels. I thought it was a bit rude (he being a stranger) but I gave them to him. I got a smile and a few pleasant words for my payment.
 From his perspective he got something for nothing, and that it wouldn't bother me because I got access to the stores and costs me nothing. It did cost me 5 minutes of my time to replace the item, as well as corrupting myself by giving away the bosses stuff, -  All for the sake of not being able to say "no".
     In my job I come across lots of people  who I feel I need to nod to them in passing sometimes,  to acknowledge their existence. Generally I try to look at the ground in front of me as I walk. If I acknowledge somebody's existence, it leaves me open for people to ask me for stuff, or to fix their problems, like in the above example. My boss does not  pay me to do that.

perfectionist

I rather suspect that the above memory is the driving force behind why I worked so hard at school to get my grades. Throughout my primary school and secondary school years I got excellent grades, quite often 100% scores in maths and science tests and exams.
 I did have an anxiety condition which flared up with changes in environment - the transition from primary to secondary school; and the transition from secondary to tertiary, the latter from which I did not recover.  Meaning I dropped out of tertiary study and did menial work from then on.

An early memory

When I was  in my first year of school at age 5,  I had an experience very similar to that of the person doing the life review number 63 -"The Victim of judgement". This is my memory:-
   
   I am sitting at my little desk at school  with my friend on my left. We are using colored pencils to 'color in' various things in our 'workbook'. One of the things to be colored in was an elephant. My friend was in the process of coloring it RED in all his wild exuberance.  The teacher proceeded to scream at him. I got so fearful and froze up  because i had no idea  what color to use. I had not experienced an adult reacting in such a way to what us kids were doing.  I think I did not attend school the next day because of not being able to figure out what was the  color to use for the elephant.

My  Story  on  Psychosis

Family History
Father:  Born in 1899 he was brought up on a dairy farm but hated it. Joined the army to escape his life of drudgery  and fought at “the Somme” in France.  Like everyone there he suffered badly.  He came home  to Australia and started a family (which I only found out recently). He  eventually found my mother and had 4 children.

Mother: born in 1928 and  ‘eloped’ with my father.  Became a widow at age 35. She  brought up us 4 children by herself.

My schooling
I did very well academically at school  up to the age 18. I did suffer from an anxiety ‘disorder’ which caused me to withdraw from school if there were any sudden changes. I think it drove me to do well at school. Come the time to face tertiary education I failed and dropped out.  I felt I was ‘burnt out’. That was the end of my schooling.

Work
I did menial work . Eventually worked for my brother in a couple of his failing businesses.  I moved to live with my mother and did more menial work. I do menial work to this day.

Psychosis onset
Started around 1982.  Weed psychosis. Self diagnosed as ‘schizophrenia’ many years later.  Self diagnosed as  ‘psychosis’ after that.- as the cause of schizophrenia.  And after that officially diagnosed by a professional  as ‘chronic psychosis’  I felt myself to be perfect spiritually and physically (from a visual aspect),   

Who am I in relationship to psychosis right now
I am ‘in the process of’ recognizing  how the principle of  ‘things are in reverse’ is demonstrated within psychosis.  That is,  how the fantasy the ego presents as a self image,  is not just unrelated to reality,  but is the opposite of reality – and that is kind of hard to take.
This is why  any such perceptions of my self related to  ‘magnificence’ has its basis in reality as ‘narcissism’.  Or  to use the good old common term  ‘asshole’- as i’ve mentioned before. However I have changed  that self definition to  ‘creep’, not due to  ‘second guessing’,  but simply  ‘fine tuning’, and an improved ability to see physical self-reality  (is that introspection? – i don’t know)
So I can now strike ‘psychosis’ out of my vocabulary.

What do I want to change and why
I want to change my habitual excessive eating,sleeping and entertainments because they are time consuming and distracting and bad for the body

Mr Nice Guy again.

A few days ago,  in the course of my job,  I responded  to  one of the tenants who had a problem with his cooking stove.  I am not quite sure if i should have said  “in the course of my job” because my job description is pretty vague.  Anyhow I solved his stove problem.

  Then he asked me if I could fix his television. I got my neighbour to help me, but we could not fix it. The tenant explained that he really needs the television because the neighbours are so noisy,  and that they get bored if they don’t have one.  I then told him that I would mention it to “the boss”. He thanked me very much.

     However I have not followed through with my promise (to let the boss know that he wants a new television).  I just told him that so I could get away from him.   So I was quite nice to his face but in reality,  any promises i made were soon forgotten.  It would have been better for all concerned if I told the truth – to buy his own TV, because he is now waiting for the boss to give him one, which won’t happen.

     I just don't want to make demands of  the boss -it's not my place to do so, and he ends up hating me.
     I do have intentions of carrying out the request in the moment, but they evaporate soon after I leave the persons presence. 

Today's 'Mr Nice Guy' character

     Today's Mr Nice Guy character caused me just a  bit of inconvenience  Not only me, but the person I was being nice to.  By this I mean that if I was just more straightforward and professional, the outcome would have been better for both of us.
     What happened was, during the course of performing my duties as cleaner/gardener/slave, a tenant asked me if he could use the  vacuum cleaner. I keep it locked up and it was several minutes walk away and it was the hottest part of the day (a very hot day). My immediate reaction was to go and get it for him immediately (Mr Nice Guy) but I was really busy and would be so for another hour. So instead of saying  "I'm too busy at the moment but I will get it for you in an hours time", I got defensive and slightly nasty. This caused the tenant some inconvenience because I gave no indication of when he could have the vacuum cleaner other than "not now".
   So when I finished what I was busy doing I proceeded to find the guy to give him the item, but that was not an easy task. All because Mr Nice Guy couldn't  come up with a professional response  when the request was made.