I just can't say 'no' - Mr Nice Guy.

I was walking around the precinct of my work with a packet of paper hand towels in my hand today. One of the tenants (who I didn't know - but may have seen him around) called to me and asked if he could have the hand towels. I thought it was a bit rude (he being a stranger) but I gave them to him. I got a smile and a few pleasant words for my payment.
 From his perspective he got something for nothing, and that it wouldn't bother me because I got access to the stores and costs me nothing. It did cost me 5 minutes of my time to replace the item, as well as corrupting myself by giving away the bosses stuff, -  All for the sake of not being able to say "no".
     In my job I come across lots of people  who I feel I need to nod to them in passing sometimes,  to acknowledge their existence. Generally I try to look at the ground in front of me as I walk. If I acknowledge somebody's existence, it leaves me open for people to ask me for stuff, or to fix their problems, like in the above example. My boss does not  pay me to do that.

perfectionist

I rather suspect that the above memory is the driving force behind why I worked so hard at school to get my grades. Throughout my primary school and secondary school years I got excellent grades, quite often 100% scores in maths and science tests and exams.
 I did have an anxiety condition which flared up with changes in environment - the transition from primary to secondary school; and the transition from secondary to tertiary, the latter from which I did not recover.  Meaning I dropped out of tertiary study and did menial work from then on.

An early memory

When I was  in my first year of school at age 5,  I had an experience very similar to that of the person doing the life review number 63 -"The Victim of judgement". This is my memory:-
   
   I am sitting at my little desk at school  with my friend on my left. We are using colored pencils to 'color in' various things in our 'workbook'. One of the things to be colored in was an elephant. My friend was in the process of coloring it RED in all his wild exuberance.  The teacher proceeded to scream at him. I got so fearful and froze up  because i had no idea  what color to use. I had not experienced an adult reacting in such a way to what us kids were doing.  I think I did not attend school the next day because of not being able to figure out what was the  color to use for the elephant.

My  Story  on  Psychosis

Family History
Father:  Born in 1899 he was brought up on a dairy farm but hated it. Joined the army to escape his life of drudgery  and fought at “the Somme” in France.  Like everyone there he suffered badly.  He came home  to Australia and started a family (which I only found out recently). He  eventually found my mother and had 4 children.

Mother: born in 1928 and  ‘eloped’ with my father.  Became a widow at age 35. She  brought up us 4 children by herself.

My schooling
I did very well academically at school  up to the age 18. I did suffer from an anxiety ‘disorder’ which caused me to withdraw from school if there were any sudden changes. I think it drove me to do well at school. Come the time to face tertiary education I failed and dropped out.  I felt I was ‘burnt out’. That was the end of my schooling.

Work
I did menial work . Eventually worked for my brother in a couple of his failing businesses.  I moved to live with my mother and did more menial work. I do menial work to this day.

Psychosis onset
Started around 1982.  Weed psychosis. Self diagnosed as ‘schizophrenia’ many years later.  Self diagnosed as  ‘psychosis’ after that.- as the cause of schizophrenia.  And after that officially diagnosed by a professional  as ‘chronic psychosis’  I felt myself to be perfect spiritually and physically (from a visual aspect),   

Who am I in relationship to psychosis right now
I am ‘in the process of’ recognizing  how the principle of  ‘things are in reverse’ is demonstrated within psychosis.  That is,  how the fantasy the ego presents as a self image,  is not just unrelated to reality,  but is the opposite of reality – and that is kind of hard to take.
This is why  any such perceptions of my self related to  ‘magnificence’ has its basis in reality as ‘narcissism’.  Or  to use the good old common term  ‘asshole’- as i’ve mentioned before. However I have changed  that self definition to  ‘creep’, not due to  ‘second guessing’,  but simply  ‘fine tuning’, and an improved ability to see physical self-reality  (is that introspection? – i don’t know)
So I can now strike ‘psychosis’ out of my vocabulary.

What do I want to change and why
I want to change my habitual excessive eating,sleeping and entertainments because they are time consuming and distracting and bad for the body

Mr Nice Guy again.

A few days ago,  in the course of my job,  I responded  to  one of the tenants who had a problem with his cooking stove.  I am not quite sure if i should have said  “in the course of my job” because my job description is pretty vague.  Anyhow I solved his stove problem.

  Then he asked me if I could fix his television. I got my neighbour to help me, but we could not fix it. The tenant explained that he really needs the television because the neighbours are so noisy,  and that they get bored if they don’t have one.  I then told him that I would mention it to “the boss”. He thanked me very much.

     However I have not followed through with my promise (to let the boss know that he wants a new television).  I just told him that so I could get away from him.   So I was quite nice to his face but in reality,  any promises i made were soon forgotten.  It would have been better for all concerned if I told the truth – to buy his own TV, because he is now waiting for the boss to give him one, which won’t happen.

     I just don't want to make demands of  the boss -it's not my place to do so, and he ends up hating me.
     I do have intentions of carrying out the request in the moment, but they evaporate soon after I leave the persons presence. 

Today's 'Mr Nice Guy' character

     Today's Mr Nice Guy character caused me just a  bit of inconvenience  Not only me, but the person I was being nice to.  By this I mean that if I was just more straightforward and professional, the outcome would have been better for both of us.
     What happened was, during the course of performing my duties as cleaner/gardener/slave, a tenant asked me if he could use the  vacuum cleaner. I keep it locked up and it was several minutes walk away and it was the hottest part of the day (a very hot day). My immediate reaction was to go and get it for him immediately (Mr Nice Guy) but I was really busy and would be so for another hour. So instead of saying  "I'm too busy at the moment but I will get it for you in an hours time", I got defensive and slightly nasty. This caused the tenant some inconvenience because I gave no indication of when he could have the vacuum cleaner other than "not now".
   So when I finished what I was busy doing I proceeded to find the guy to give him the item, but that was not an easy task. All because Mr Nice Guy couldn't  come up with a professional response  when the request was made.