No Mr Nice guy here

I  was confronted by a tenant  today who asked me for tins of gas (for cooking).   The boss told me not to give him any more.  In had been giving them to him  up to now.  So I told him what the boss said.   But he came at me again saying  “but I can’t cook, Garry”.  I became a little angry and said with emphasis  “It’s not MY problem!”.   Then I advised him he should see the boss.

Anyhow, I was glad I did not compromise myself by giving him more gas tins or pleading with the boss to do something about his situation.  

Embracing the Creep

I’m   very   ‘glad/disappointed’  (one word)  that I have recognized, or rather begun to recognize the despicable nature of chronic psychosis.  Glad because it’s a realization, and realizations are the way forward, and going  forward is a reason to celebrate  and be glad.  Disappointed because it is the nature of the  sickness  that is so cringeworthy , so uncool.  So what do I do? Celebrate or cringe? Hmmm.  I got an inkling that I have not cringed  enough.

   I am quietly confident that I got it right when I describe myself as a  ‘creep’ or a ‘weirdo’ (they are synonyms bytheway).   Not really the thing you want to tell people but  who cares.  We are all equall in the matrix. A point of triumph for me to see that,  and not the lofty self definition that a psychotic is known  to view himself as.
   So rhe time I fully embrace 'the creep' will be the time that I will strike chronic psychosis'  out of my vocabulary.,

One day I will do a proper blog

One day I will do a proper blog, like everybody else does, instead of writing out pieces of information like I am doing now.  So is a case of  “won’t” or is it a case of  “can’t”?   I believe the latter, but I’ve been told the former.

  I used to know a guy who couldn’t get out of bed unless he had a cigarette  first.  Yes so  I like to think I’m not like that.

     However I have noticed I am addicted  to comfort. MY easy job doesn’t help.  I am addicted to having a nap in the middle of the day.  Can’t help that feeling of weariness that overcomes me.   

  Anyhow, I will continue to write this sort of shit until I start writing blogs

What a Waste of Time

When I finished work today, and before I started work today, I indulged in this 'think trip'. I tried to figure out this idea for the 'perfect battery charging system' for a smartphone.   I know smartphones are a huge distraction for people, and its better not to have one -if you can.  So why do I have this fascination? - its wasted many hours of my time today and for the last few days.  Its not as if it will have any results in this world outside my mind. I think it's the color in smartphones that fascinates. If I give the thing any more 'thinking time' tomorrow I will, ....I don't know, kick myself or something.

Mad is bad

I woke up this morning with a certain amount of new  clarity toward the relationship that madness has to badness.  Perhaps not a relationship but  a definition,  This is a highly controversial statement to make especially for myself.  Maybe not so controversial for most people - I'm not sure.
     I suspect this is the reason that I can't/won't do my process. My inability to accept this as the definition as myself.  That definition that would see me  into jail. I would hate to go to jail, I would find it unbearable I think.  I have heard that there are many many schizophrenics (like myself) in jail.
     I have been told that I'm 'bent' when I got high on weed in the long past. Because I felt so good I assumed 'bent' was something good. Something that made me exceptionally spiritual - not at all the reality of 'badness' as in the principle of  'things are in reverse'. This reminds me of a dream i had during that time.  In the dream I had a bicycle which had a bent frame - no amount of 'trying' would get me anywhere.

exasperation

I lost my work keys today- the keys I use in the course of my job.  To be a little more accurate,  I thought I lost them.  I became exasperated and  spent hours searching, rang  ‘the boss’ and he came to the rescue with spare keys –  at quite an inconvenience for him and me.  Later in the day I realized that I left them in my room in a very obvious place.  Why I didn’t  think to look there is beyond me. I would be embarrassed if anybody found out.  It seems that because they were not in my pocket that they  ‘were lost’.  

Utube addiction

Over the past few months,  I seem to have developed an addiction to watching /listening to utubes of an ‘anti-Social Justice Warrior’ flavour. Also to reading the comments.  I’m drawn to American politics even though I’m not American.  I used to be  ‘left wing’ but over the last 6 months I have become  ‘right wing’.  I feel now that it’s a bit like blue pill/red pill as far as the left and right go.  I asked one of my neighbours (whose opinion I value) what was his political leaning was (left or right). He immediately answered  “agnostic”.  He was talking about our own country I presume.

     I seem to enjoy  ‘hating’. But it is evolving into a sadness how the young people have got to learn about life the hard way.

Not confronting somebody

A few weeks ago I lent one of the tenants a portable gas stove because they said that their electric stove-top was not working. Truth was they just didn't want to use the electric stove-top because it takes too long to heat up. So instead of confronting them to return the portable gas stove, I went and bought another one out of my own pocket - to replace the one that I gave them.  I originally was lead to believe that there was something wrong with their electric one. So when the boss told me to get the gas one back off them, I couldn't bring myself to make such a demand of that tenant.