Embracing the Creep

I’m   very   ‘glad/disappointed’  (one word)  that I have recognized, or rather begun to recognize the despicable nature of chronic psychosis.  Glad because it’s a realization, and realizations are the way forward, and going  forward is a reason to celebrate  and be glad.  Disappointed because it is the nature of the  sickness  that is so cringeworthy , so uncool.  So what do I do? Celebrate or cringe? Hmmm.  I got an inkling that I have not cringed  enough.

   I am quietly confident that I got it right when I describe myself as a  ‘creep’ or a ‘weirdo’ (they are synonyms bytheway).   Not really the thing you want to tell people but  who cares.  We are all equall in the matrix. A point of triumph for me to see that,  and not the lofty self definition that a psychotic is known  to view himself as.
   So rhe time I fully embrace 'the creep' will be the time that I will strike chronic psychosis'  out of my vocabulary.,

One day I will do a proper blog

One day I will do a proper blog, like everybody else does, instead of writing out pieces of information like I am doing now.  So is a case of  “won’t” or is it a case of  “can’t”?   I believe the latter, but I’ve been told the former.

  I used to know a guy who couldn’t get out of bed unless he had a cigarette  first.  Yes so  I like to think I’m not like that.

     However I have noticed I am addicted  to comfort. MY easy job doesn’t help.  I am addicted to having a nap in the middle of the day.  Can’t help that feeling of weariness that overcomes me.   

  Anyhow, I will continue to write this sort of shit until I start writing blogs

What a Waste of Time

When I finished work today, and before I started work today, I indulged in this 'think trip'. I tried to figure out this idea for the 'perfect battery charging system' for a smartphone.   I know smartphones are a huge distraction for people, and its better not to have one -if you can.  So why do I have this fascination? - its wasted many hours of my time today and for the last few days.  Its not as if it will have any results in this world outside my mind. I think it's the color in smartphones that fascinates. If I give the thing any more 'thinking time' tomorrow I will, ....I don't know, kick myself or something.

Mad is bad

I woke up this morning with a certain amount of new  clarity toward the relationship that madness has to badness.  Perhaps not a relationship but  a definition,  This is a highly controversial statement to make especially for myself.  Maybe not so controversial for most people - I'm not sure.
     I suspect this is the reason that I can't/won't do my process. My inability to accept this as the definition as myself.  That definition that would see me  into jail. I would hate to go to jail, I would find it unbearable I think.  I have heard that there are many many schizophrenics (like myself) in jail.
     I have been told that I'm 'bent' when I got high on weed in the long past. Because I felt so good I assumed 'bent' was something good. Something that made me exceptionally spiritual - not at all the reality of 'badness' as in the principle of  'things are in reverse'. This reminds me of a dream i had during that time.  In the dream I had a bicycle which had a bent frame - no amount of 'trying' would get me anywhere.

exasperation

I lost my work keys today- the keys I use in the course of my job.  To be a little more accurate,  I thought I lost them.  I became exasperated and  spent hours searching, rang  ‘the boss’ and he came to the rescue with spare keys –  at quite an inconvenience for him and me.  Later in the day I realized that I left them in my room in a very obvious place.  Why I didn’t  think to look there is beyond me. I would be embarrassed if anybody found out.  It seems that because they were not in my pocket that they  ‘were lost’.  

Utube addiction

Over the past few months,  I seem to have developed an addiction to watching /listening to utubes of an ‘anti-Social Justice Warrior’ flavour. Also to reading the comments.  I’m drawn to American politics even though I’m not American.  I used to be  ‘left wing’ but over the last 6 months I have become  ‘right wing’.  I feel now that it’s a bit like blue pill/red pill as far as the left and right go.  I asked one of my neighbours (whose opinion I value) what was his political leaning was (left or right). He immediately answered  “agnostic”.  He was talking about our own country I presume.

     I seem to enjoy  ‘hating’. But it is evolving into a sadness how the young people have got to learn about life the hard way.

Not confronting somebody

A few weeks ago I lent one of the tenants a portable gas stove because they said that their electric stove-top was not working. Truth was they just didn't want to use the electric stove-top because it takes too long to heat up. So instead of confronting them to return the portable gas stove, I went and bought another one out of my own pocket - to replace the one that I gave them.  I originally was lead to believe that there was something wrong with their electric one. So when the boss told me to get the gas one back off them, I couldn't bring myself to make such a demand of that tenant.