I woke up this morning with a certain amount of new clarity toward the relationship that madness has to badness. Perhaps not a relationship but a definition, This is a highly controversial statement to make especially for myself. Maybe not so controversial for most people - I'm not sure.
I suspect this is the reason that I can't/won't do my process. My inability to accept this as the definition as myself. That definition that would see me into jail. I would hate to go to jail, I would find it unbearable I think. I have heard that there are many many schizophrenics (like myself) in jail.
I have been told that I'm 'bent' when I got high on weed in the long past. Because I felt so good I assumed 'bent' was something good. Something that made me exceptionally spiritual - not at all the reality of 'badness' as in the principle of 'things are in reverse'. This reminds me of a dream i had during that time. In the dream I had a bicycle which had a bent frame - no amount of 'trying' would get me anywhere.